Back to the Start
by twigvicious
Summary: Kurt is heading to NYC with Rachel for college, and he and Sam spend one final night together saying goodbye.


**Back to the Start**

Sitting across from Kurt, Sam struggled with what to say to him. This was it; this was the last night for them. To Sam, it felt like this was the last night on Earth, not just his last night with Kurt. He wondered if Kurt felt the same way.

Sitting across from Sam, Kurt fought to keep himself from crying. This was his last night with Sam for a while, and he didn't want it to be about saying goodbye. He didn't want there to be tears. More than anything, he wanted to spend a night with Sam that he would remember until Christmas when he was finally able to come back to Lima with Rachel.

In silence, they sat at Breadstix, eating their meals but not really tasting them. Internally, Sam regretted his choice to bring Kurt here for what could be their last date ever. They went to Breadstix all the time, after all, and he should have taken Kurt somewhere more special, somewhere that meant something extra. At the same time, Kurt put his fork down, his appetite non-existent. Sam stared at his plate, and Kurt looked at Sam, wishing he'd look up so that Kurt could stare into his eyes.

This was the worst last date ever, Sam thought. Even as he thought it, the word "last" stung; Sam felt like he'd been stabbed in the chest. Forcing himself to think of something else, Sam looked up at Kurt finally, and he was slightly taken aback to see Kurt suddenly break into a smile. "What's wrong?" Sam asked before he could stop himself. Immediately, he regretted the question: there _wasn't_ anything wrong with Kurt smiling. No, Sam was just surprised because it was the first time that entire night that either of them had smiled even a little bit.

Shaking his head, Kurt replied, "Nothing's wrong, Sam. Truly. I'm just glad you're looking at me now."

At this, Sam smiled as well, but that only lasted a moment; a second later, he frowned again before saying, "I'm sorry, Kurt. I'm being such a downer tonight. I really wanted this to be special. Our last hurrah…or something. Instead I bring you to the same place we always go to."

"It's alright, Sam," Kurt reassured him. "This is Lima, after all. It's not like we have many options."

"We could have gone out of town or something," Sam said, sighing. "We should have done something…something special…for your last night in town." As he said the words, Sam got choked up, his heart breaking a little. He looked at his plate again, twirling his spaghetti aimlessly, and he didn't see the single tear roll down Kurt's cheek.

Wiping the wayward drop away quickly, Kurt cleared his throat and said, "Let's get out of here, Sam. Let's just go. Neither of us is eating anyways."

Looking at Kurt again, Sam smiled and nodded. "I was just thinking the same thing, actually. I have an idea." At that, he put his hand in the air, motioning for the waitress to bring the check.

A half-hour later, Sam pulled into the church parking lot, and he said, "Alright Kurt, you can open your eyes now."

Opening his eyes, Kurt looked around, and he asked, "Sam…did you just bring me to a church? Why? This isn't a gay-vention or something, is it?"

Sam laughed, shaking his head. "No, no…if it were, I'd need one too, remember? This isn't the surprise place. We just have to walk the rest of the way."

Intrigued, Kurt grinned and opened his car door, Sam walking around to the passenger side to meet him. Sam took his guitar from the back seat and slung it over his shoulder before he reached for Kurt's hand, grabbing it, their fingers interlocked. Together, the two of them walked hand-in-hand down the sidewalk under the starry sky, the moon following them. Normally, Sam and Kurt were careful about public displays of affection. It wasn't because they worried about what their family or friends would thing; no, both of their families were fully supportive, and their only friends were the other glee kids, who had all known before even Sam and Kurt had. No, it was because Lima wasn't the most accepting place, but they were thankful for the people in their lives who still loved them just as much despite the love they had for each other.

Thinking back on that day when Rachel had approached Kurt, he wanted to laugh at her brusqueness. "Kurt," she had said to him. "Everyone knows except for you, especially Santana and I. I have two gay dads, remember? And Santana's Lebanese. We can tell these things…and we can see the way you look at him."

On that day, Kurt had panicked, looking around the courtyard at school; no one was around, and he should have known that Rachel wouldn't bring up such a touchy subject in a crowded area, especially considering that Sam wasn't out yet. He'd only just come out to Kurt a few weeks prior. "I don't look at him in any special way. And besides, Blaine and I just broke up last week."

"And why was that?" Rachel had asked him. "And don't tell me it was just because you drifted apart. I'm too smart for that."

Unsure of how to respond, Kurt had answered, "I…I don't know. I guess I never really felt that spark with him, at least not after spending the summer together. He's great, but…my heart just wasn't in it." Rachel had a superior, haughty look on her face, as thought she knew she had won, and Kurt quickly added, "But that doesn't mean I like Sam, not at all."

"Okay, sure," Rachel had replied. "I won't push you. All I'm going to say is that I saw the way you looked at Finn, the way you looked at Blaine, and it's nothing compared to how you look at Sam. Not even close." Smiling sincerely, Rachel patted him on the arm, her touch gentle and soothing. "You'll figure it out," she finished. "I know you will. And I'm here if you need someone to talk to. Really." Rachel smiled once more and then turned around, walking away and leaving Kurt alone in the courtyard, still empty save for him and his thoughts.

Although it had killed him to admit it, Kurt eventually knew that Rachel had been right. One night a week or so later, he'd woken up in the dead of night, his head swimming with thoughts of Sam, thoughts he'd never had of Finn or Blaine. They weren't dirty thoughts; on the contrary, they were utterly romantic. He thought of stroking Sam's cheek, of kissing his lush lips softly and holding him for as long as Sam would let him. As his heart started pounding rapidly, Kurt knew that he was in love with Sam and that he probably always had been, ever since Sam had transferred to McKinley. Putting a hand to his chest, Kurt could feel his beating heart, and it both moved and frightened him. He remembered then something Blaine had said: there was a moment in your life where finally find the person you've been searching for forever, and Kurt realized that day, for him, had been on Sam's first day in the glee club.

It had taken Sam a bit longer to come around, but Kurt had talked with Puck about his feelings for Sam. Surprisingly, Puck had been incredibly understanding; Kurt guessed that it had something to do with his newfound relationship with Quinn. She always seemed to bring out the best in him, and it had been she who'd recommended that Kurt talk to Puck in the first place. In turn, Puck had spoken with Sam about things on Friday after the football game. For the entire weekend, Kurt had stressed over what Sam's reaction would be, but Sam never called. And then, on Monday, Sam was absent, and Kurt had worried even more. Sam wouldn't really transfer, would he? Kurt had a million thoughts running through his head that entire day, thoughts of Sam leaving and never coming back to McKinley. That thought filled him with more grief than he'd experienced since his mother's death; he fell asleep crying that night.

But then on Tuesday, Sam had returned to school, and he asked Kurt to meet him after football practice. Kurt had waited in the bleachers for Sam, and then when practice was over, Sam lingered on the field until everyone else had entered the field house, Puck winking at Kurt as he did so. When everyone was gone, Kurt walked onto the field, approaching Sam. "Hi," he had said timidly.

Looking at Kurt, Sam smiled nervously, taking his dirty helmet off. "Hi," Sam said, his voice quiet. "So…I'm sorry I didn't call you after Friday. I…was just confused…I needed to work through some things."

Quickly, Kurt shook his head, trying to play it off. "Oh, don't worry about it, Sam. It's fine…I get it." He tried to act cool, but Kurt could feel his face warming as it turned scarlet.

"It's not okay," Sam disagreed. "It's not. You deserve more than that. I…shouldn't have left you alone like that. I should have been there for you." Seriously, he looked into Kurt's eyes, and he reached for his hand, holding it uncertainly. "Is this okay?" Sam asked, and his eyes told Kurt that he hoped the answer would be yes.

Smiling more broadly than he could ever remember smiling, Kurt nodded and said, "Yes…it's okay." He looked at Sam expectantly, but when the blonde still didn't speak, Kurt made the first move, filled with resolve. "Does this mean what I think it means?" he asked Sam hopefully.

Clearing his throat, Sam didn't speak at first, but eventually, looking at the ground, he said, "It means what you think it means." And then he looked at Kurt and smiled as widely as Kurt was smiling before he moved toward him, kissing him deeply. Kurt had put his hand to Sam's sweaty hair and, in that moment, knew that everything was going to be okay for him from there on out.

But that had been in the fall, and now it was nearly the end of August; Kurt and Rachel would be heading to New York City for college tomorrow, leaving Sam behind to finish his final year at McKinley. But for now, remembering the moment where everything had finally made sense, Kurt and Sam were – for once – not thinking about Kurt's imminent departure. As they walked along the sidewalk in the night, Kurt started to look around, wondering where they were going. Finally, Kurt asked: "Sam," he said, "where are you taking me?"

Grinning mischievously, Sam answered, "You'll see…and just so you know, we'll be breaking the law."

Nervous and excited at the prospect of illegal activity, Kurt smiled, his eyes wide. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" he asked, his sensible side winning out temporarily over his adventurous side.

"It'll be fine," Sam assured him. "It's not that big of a deal."

They walked for several more minutes, and finally Kurt understood where they were going: he read the sign in front of him and knew they'd arrived at Silver Park. "Are we going to the park?" Kurt asked him. "How's that illegal?"

Again, Sam smiled that same impish grin, and he pointed to the line of text just below the large Silver Park logo: park closes at dusk. "See," Sam said, laughing at Kurt's exasperated face. "It still counts."

"And here I was thinking we were going to live on the wild side on my last night in town," Kurt replied.

"Oh, come on," Sam told him. "You know it's charming."

In spite of himself, Kurt had to admit that Sam had a point about that. He watched Sam climb over the short gate that blocked cars from entering after dark, and Kurt followed.

Ten minutes later, Sam and Kurt were sitting on a park bench that sat on a hill, looking up at the clear, star-filled sky, Sam's arm around Kurt. "It's a beautiful night," Sam said.

"It's a little chilly," Kurt replied. Sam didn't move, and so Kurt said, "That was a hint, Sam."

Looking at Kurt, Sam smiled at him, saying, "Oh, I get it. You're cold." And he then he pulled Kurt closer to him, squeezing him tightly. The two of them laughed for a moment, and then suddenly they both grew somber again. It was as though they both suddenly remembered what they were there for: Kurt's last night in Lima. Gazing at the love of his life, Sam said, "Listen, Kurt. There's something I want to say, and I need to do it before I lose the little self-control I have left."

Now Kurt looked at Sam, and he said, "Alright. Go ahead."

Clearing his throat – internally, Kurt recognized this tell-tale sign that Sam was nervous – Sam started speaking: "Before I met you, I didn't know who I was. I'd never had a crush on a guy before – at least not one that I admitted to myself – let alone fallen in love with another guy. But then there was you, and you showed me who I was just by being you, by being unafraid. People tore you down everyday, but it was worth it if you could be yourself. And that showed me that I needed to accept the feelings I had for other guys…the feelings I had for you. You…you're kind of my role model or something. I don't know if I ever told you that."

Surprised, Kurt wasn't sure what to say at first. Finally, he replied, "Really? Your role model?"

Nodding, Sam said, "Yeah…I've been trying this whole year to be more like you, to be brave and strong like you. I don't know if I'll ever get there, but…I'm trying."

With his right hand, Kurt grabbed Sam's hand that was resting on his shoulder, and he held it gently. "You are, Sam. Trust me: I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it. You've taught me more than you can know…and when I leave…when I…" Kurt couldn't finish, tears welling in his eyes, and Sam pulled him closer still. "I'm sorry," Kurt said as the tears finally begin to flow freely. "I didn't want this to happen. I wanted tonight to be a happy night."

"We both should have known that would be hard," Sam told him, wiping away his own salty tears. "But that doesn't mean we can't make tonight a special night." And then he reached over for his guitar, which was leaning against the bench next to Sam's leg. Taking it out, he told Kurt, "You didn't think I just brought this because it makes me look sexy, did you?"

Laughing, Kurt shook his head and said, "You don't need that to be sexy. But no, I figured there was a reason."

"There is," Sam confirmed. "There's a reason…I'm going to sing to you."

"Oooh," Kurt said, clapping his hands lightly. "What song?"

"It's not exactly you're typical kind of music, but I think it fits the situation," Sam said. "It's 'The Scientist' by Coldplay." He stood then and held his guitar at the ready, and then a moment later, Sam started to strum gently.

Plucking at the strings, Sam began to sing, Kurt watching with rapt attention. As Sam sang, Kurt felt the tears on his cheeks again, flowing more than they had for a long time. Likewise, Sam was crying profusely, but he kept his voice steady, looking soulfully into Kurt's eyes as he sang. Eventually, at the chorus, Kurt felt a charge – as if they had suddenly forged an unbreakable connection – as Sam sang, "Nobody said it was easy/oh, it's such a shame for us to part/nobody said it was easy/no one ever said it would be this hard/I'm going back to the start." And in that moment, they both did; they both thought about that moment when Kurt had approached Sam as he showered in the locker room. They thought of all the words they hadn't said then, of all the words they no longer needed to say.

The next day, Sam stood at Kurt's car, his heart breaking a little more with every bag he helped load into the backseat. Rachel was the only one there, and she was sitting in the car already; Kurt and Rachel's parents had left a few minutes ago, planning to meet their children in NYC. Part of Sam thought that they had done this on purpose, so as to give Sam and Kurt some time to say goodbye without everyone watching them. It was like they knew they needed a few more minutes to love each other with their whole hearts.

As Sam packed away Kurt's last bag, Sam looked at his love mournfully; they'd arrived at the moment they'd both been dreading the entire summer. "I'm going to miss you," Kurt said. "So much, Sam. So, _so_ much."

Taking Kurt's hands for the last time in what felt like forever (though Sam hoped it would only be until December), Sam said, "Oel ngati kameie."

Smirking and shaking his head, Kurt laughed, saying, "Na'vi again. What does that mean?"

Sam gave Kurt's hands a small squeeze before answering, "It means…I love you."

Now tears flowed from Kurt's eyes again, and he replied, "I love you, too. I'm not saying it in Na'vi, though." And the tears came even more rapidly now; barely able to speak, Kurt still managed to choke out, "Why are we acting like this is the end? Why are we acting like it's over?"

"Because it's going to get a lot harder from here on out," Sam answered. "It's going to get a lot harder. But I'm willing to try if you are, Kurt. I'm willing to fight. Are you?"

Looking at Sam soberly, Kurt replied, "That's the thing about love. Nobody said it was easy." At that, every drop of the love they shared poured from their souls, and they fell into each other, their lips pressed passionately, deeply against each other. Neither of them wanted to let go, and in their hearts, they knew they never would.


End file.
